Apparently it snowed in San Jose yesterday? UM WAT?! At least it's been cold all day; I love it (for the most part).

Today has been ridiculously full of nostalgic thoughts - I'm not sure why. Just one of those days, I guess. The weather reminded me of last year when Trevor and I were both essentially nocturnal and on one night while it was raining, we ran out in the middle of the street at 4 AM after buying Limeaid at 7-11. I won't bore you with the rest of my seemingly frequent and pointless thoughts, but I've said "Good times" to myself (and outloud) more times than I would have preferred to in a 24-hour period.

Though things have been relatively better since the weekend began, I still feel...empty to some extent. I need the new year to start. I need just the right person to walk into my life, or maybe I need to walk into someone else's. Maybe...? Actually, I don't know what I need, but I need...something.

Today has been a particularly interesting day, in terms of social encounters. I was quite lonely up until about 3-4pm, which was when I began talking to Trevor again. It was a pretty heavy conversation, but I'm glad we had it. Since the conversation isn't completely closed just yet, I'm nervous. The whole prospect of uncovering such personal, and not to mention, painful information to someone once again worries me. I just...dread the response, since I know it's coming soon. I don't know why I feel as though I cannot trust this family with this information when I really do. It's as if my guard is just up again. I'm sorry I cannot tell the rest of you exactly what I'm talking about, but such information will never find it's way on the Internet (on my behalf, anyway). Even with those I've told face-to-face, I've almost always danced around the subject until it was pretty obvious for them to guess. I know that's bad. I wish I didn't internalize everything and have it come out in pretty destructive ways, but I don't know how to change in that department yet.

I was also thinking of how someone I used to be relatively close with was no longer in my life, and I began to regret not contacting her pretty much all semester long. I felt as though it would be quite awkward to contact her again (especially since it would be selfish - after all, I was lonely and just looking for company). Not too long ago, she sent me a text. Weird.

I'm going to spend the night with Heidi tonight. I got in touch with her while I was bored in the hopes she would be free, and she is. I'm so glad for that, yet also anxious about it as well. Today has been pretty heavy, and I wonder if my dreams will be so as well. God, I hope not.

Lately, when I'm upset or angry, I try to direct my energy towards anything that isn't too destructive. I got the idea the last time this happened to check out a cookbook and teach myself how to actually make substantial meals, haha. I found a German one in the library, so of course, I was sold. I haven't made anything too difficult yet since I'm just starting out, but I have been pretty well-fed.

( NOM NOM NOM )

Oh, and before I forget, I dyed my hair burgundy. Of course, since it's still dark, it's hardly noticeable unless I'm in direct sunlight. Because the black was fading on top the most, it also showed up a lot more in my roots. Here's a [very color-enhanced] picture:

Well, no good news. Nothing's better. Just worse.
This past week or so has been composed of much more suppression than anyone should have to do. And I'm starting to see things in my expression and hear myself say things I thought I'd never say again. It's incredible, just crazy, how quickly I can go from feeling as though I'm dealing with everything "well", only to feel so completely non-human the next day.
The truth is, as melodramatic as this seems, I want no sympathy. I just want to be alone and have nobody take it so damn personally. I'm so unbelievably infuriated; I just want to watch the world burn.